Today I had to go to put in some receipts at my private health insurance. The ladies there are great, we always have a good chat. Sophia is usually given a sticker which she thinks is awesome.
Today the lady asked if I was interested in how much my insurance has paid out this year. I said that I assumed it would be tens of thousands of dollars. She said that I was right. My health insurance has paid out just under fifty thousand dollars worth of medical & hospital bills this year alone. I think my jaw hit the ground. It certainly shows that the private insurance is worth it.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
update from yesterday.
My OB finally called me back at 3.30 and asked me to come strait in. Quick scan, baby is good, ovaries still massive. Doesn't 'appear' to have burst any cysts. however he just did a quick scan. My pelvis has more fluid in it again. Seems that the OHSS may be getting worse.
anyway, He gives me some pain meds. I go to work, I barely make it home before I'm writhing in pain again. Ben calls the OB on his mobile. He says he's at the hospital and to come down to the ED. He gives me a quick check and sends me home. He said he will ring the next day to see how I am and check if he thinks I need a more detailed u/s.
I am stuffed, I feel like I haven't slept at all even though Ben assures me I was out of it all night. I am well and truly over the OHSS bull crap.
anyway, He gives me some pain meds. I go to work, I barely make it home before I'm writhing in pain again. Ben calls the OB on his mobile. He says he's at the hospital and to come down to the ED. He gives me a quick check and sends me home. He said he will ring the next day to see how I am and check if he thinks I need a more detailed u/s.
I am stuffed, I feel like I haven't slept at all even though Ben assures me I was out of it all night. I am well and truly over the OHSS bull crap.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
horrible night
I have spent most of the night writhing in pain. Nothing that I have here has come close to touching the pain. I didn't use a heat pack because it was freaking hot overnight. I couldn't handle the heat on my skin.
I will be calling my doctors rooms in the next 15 mins when they open. This is the worst it's been for some time. I've also had shoulder-tip pain. Ben suggested that one of my ovarian cysts may have popped. He could be right.
I will be calling my doctors rooms in the next 15 mins when they open. This is the worst it's been for some time. I've also had shoulder-tip pain. Ben suggested that one of my ovarian cysts may have popped. He could be right.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
retail therapy!
It's been a long time since I bought myself anything nice! I decided that I needed some more summer clothes. Today S & I went shopping, I bought 2 dresses and a pair of shorts! yay! all for $120. For fat lady clothes that's really cheap! The shorts were only $20! Now I have some other clothes apart from pants to wear to work. It's been forecasted to be hot hot hot here this week, it will be nice not to swelter.
babies and due dates
One of my pregnant friends has had her baby! Hugest congrats to her and her family!
It is a time full of conflicting emotions for me. I am over the moon for her! It does however remind me that I would be having a baby next week. I got her news and congratulated her, then had a big cry. Ben asked me what was wrong. I explained it to him and he just accepted why I was upset. I thought he might have a go at me but he didn't. He said, "I know that you are still grieving our lost baby and that this month will be harder for you, this news has just hit close to home and that doesn't mean you aren't happy for your friend." I think that my jaw hit the ground. I totally didn't expect him to understand. He's usually not very aware when it comes to emotions. He then went on to say "It's one of the screwed up things about being a woman, too many confusing, conflicting emotions" which made me laugh out loud! I replied by quoting that line out of Harry Potter where Hermione tells Ron that unlike him, she doesn't have the emotional range of a teaspoon. That made him laugh. He gave me a big hug and we got on with our night.
So yes, I didn't crash as hard as I thought I would. I do think that if the IVF hadn't worked and I wasn't pregnant this month would be A LOT harder.
It is a time full of conflicting emotions for me. I am over the moon for her! It does however remind me that I would be having a baby next week. I got her news and congratulated her, then had a big cry. Ben asked me what was wrong. I explained it to him and he just accepted why I was upset. I thought he might have a go at me but he didn't. He said, "I know that you are still grieving our lost baby and that this month will be harder for you, this news has just hit close to home and that doesn't mean you aren't happy for your friend." I think that my jaw hit the ground. I totally didn't expect him to understand. He's usually not very aware when it comes to emotions. He then went on to say "It's one of the screwed up things about being a woman, too many confusing, conflicting emotions" which made me laugh out loud! I replied by quoting that line out of Harry Potter where Hermione tells Ron that unlike him, she doesn't have the emotional range of a teaspoon. That made him laugh. He gave me a big hug and we got on with our night.
So yes, I didn't crash as hard as I thought I would. I do think that if the IVF hadn't worked and I wasn't pregnant this month would be A LOT harder.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
yuck
yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck is a good word to describe how I'm feeling.
It's hot, I'm bloated, my ovaries feel like they have exploded, no food or drink is agreeing with me. I'm aching all over and can't get comfortable. This is how I remember feeling when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. I'm only 10 weeks. My OB last week assured me that the cramps and general soreness would ease up eventually as my ovaries shrink. I'm just having a hard time of it tonight.
I haven't had any pain relief for a few days, I think I'll have some in a min and go to bed. I just feel yuck.
It's hot, I'm bloated, my ovaries feel like they have exploded, no food or drink is agreeing with me. I'm aching all over and can't get comfortable. This is how I remember feeling when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. I'm only 10 weeks. My OB last week assured me that the cramps and general soreness would ease up eventually as my ovaries shrink. I'm just having a hard time of it tonight.
I haven't had any pain relief for a few days, I think I'll have some in a min and go to bed. I just feel yuck.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
another u/s! 4th week in a row!
I had another OB appt. today. I managed to get Sophia into the occasional child care center here for a few hours so that she didn't have to come with me. She is usually well behaved at the doctors, it is just impossible to supervise her properly when you are lying on a table being poked and prodded and having an u/s! Sophia has never really spent time in child care. She has been to this place a couple of times, but it was months ago. There were tears when I got back into the car! I don't think it will ever get easier to leave her. She was fine, far too interested in the toys and playing with the other children to even say goodbye to me! She's a really social little girl, so she loves the time she spends there.
As for the OB appt, it was quick. My OB had to go to his grandfather's funeral shortly after my appointment. He said that he should have been leaving earlier but wanted to see me which I really appreciate. He said that his Grandfather was 95 and had had a great innings!
He very quickly did my blood pressure etc. which was all perfect. Then we went through for the u/s. My little bean was there, heart beating away and dancing. It's amazing to think that an almost 10 week fetus can move like that. My ovaries are still on the freaky side of things. Good news is that they haven't grown since last Monday! YAY!!! They haven't gone down, but they haven't grown!
I now have to go for my 10 week blood tests and am booked in for my 12 week u/s at the imaging place. My OB is happy to see me in 3 weeks time unless I have issues before hand. He said to call strait away if my pain gets worse or if I feel unwell. Those freaky ovaries are still a worry and could turn into a life-threatening situation VERY quickly. He reiterated that he is always just a phone call away any time of the day or night.
The appointment finished quicker than I had planned, Sophia's child care was paid up for another couple of hours. I decided to go have a browse of the shops and had a hot chocolate before I went to pick up Sophia. She had had a great time and fell asleep in the car on the way home and is still asleep (in her cot) now!
As for the OB appt, it was quick. My OB had to go to his grandfather's funeral shortly after my appointment. He said that he should have been leaving earlier but wanted to see me which I really appreciate. He said that his Grandfather was 95 and had had a great innings!
He very quickly did my blood pressure etc. which was all perfect. Then we went through for the u/s. My little bean was there, heart beating away and dancing. It's amazing to think that an almost 10 week fetus can move like that. My ovaries are still on the freaky side of things. Good news is that they haven't grown since last Monday! YAY!!! They haven't gone down, but they haven't grown!
I now have to go for my 10 week blood tests and am booked in for my 12 week u/s at the imaging place. My OB is happy to see me in 3 weeks time unless I have issues before hand. He said to call strait away if my pain gets worse or if I feel unwell. Those freaky ovaries are still a worry and could turn into a life-threatening situation VERY quickly. He reiterated that he is always just a phone call away any time of the day or night.
The appointment finished quicker than I had planned, Sophia's child care was paid up for another couple of hours. I decided to go have a browse of the shops and had a hot chocolate before I went to pick up Sophia. She had had a great time and fell asleep in the car on the way home and is still asleep (in her cot) now!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
One of the lucky ones.
You know, if the ectopic earlier this year had been a viable pregnancy, I would be having a baby in a few weeks. It is a very bitter-sweet thing to think about. If it had been viable, I wouldn't be pregnant with my 2nd IVF baby. I wouldn't have gone through the torture of having a 2nd ectopic and loss of my remaining tube, I wouldn't have gone through all the IVF rubbish, I wouldn't have spent countless weeks dangerously ill with OHSS. I wouldn't have lost friends. I would be meeting some other baby, not the one that I currently carry. I will always miss the baby that never got the chance to grow. I will never know what you would have looked like, I will never get to hold you.
I now think about the first ectopic differently, If it hadn't have happened, I wouldn't have Sophia. I can't even imagine that. There would be some other nameless, faceless child in my life, but not my Sophia. I try to think about the 2nd ectopic in the same way. It is hard because I am still grieving the baby that I will never hold. I will never know that baby, instead, I have the chance to carry a different baby. I'm sure that after my 2nd IVF baby is born I will think back to the 2nd ectopic the way I think of the first.
I am so very lucky to have this chance to carry another IVF pregnancy. Another baby that I will watch grow from a few cells. So many couples don't get that chance. I can't even begin to imagine the pain they must endure every single day. I am one of the lucky ones.
To my nameless, faceless babies. I will always miss you and often think of you. I would not be where I am today without having been pregnant with you, even for a few short weeks.
To my baby who should be being born this month, I will always love you even though I will never meet you.
Mummy.
I now think about the first ectopic differently, If it hadn't have happened, I wouldn't have Sophia. I can't even imagine that. There would be some other nameless, faceless child in my life, but not my Sophia. I try to think about the 2nd ectopic in the same way. It is hard because I am still grieving the baby that I will never hold. I will never know that baby, instead, I have the chance to carry a different baby. I'm sure that after my 2nd IVF baby is born I will think back to the 2nd ectopic the way I think of the first.
I am so very lucky to have this chance to carry another IVF pregnancy. Another baby that I will watch grow from a few cells. So many couples don't get that chance. I can't even begin to imagine the pain they must endure every single day. I am one of the lucky ones.
To my nameless, faceless babies. I will always miss you and often think of you. I would not be where I am today without having been pregnant with you, even for a few short weeks.
To my baby who should be being born this month, I will always love you even though I will never meet you.
Mummy.
ending friendships.
I have had a couple of friends cut me off basically because of my infertility issues. It was easier for them to ignore me than to put in some effort. When the ignoring started, she was pregnant and I was not. She has told me that it was just easier for her and cutting me off would cause far less problems between us. She didn't want to walk on eggshells her entire pregnancy. I never suggested that she need to. She then proceeded to call ME selfish. She saw me posting this article as an attack on her, she will likely see this blog post as an attack too. Cutting me off for a few months was the right thing to do (in her words), as to not cause any more trouble between us.
It just goes to show you that some people will never be able to empathise with how others in a different situation might be feeling. Some people will never 'get it'. How could they? Her idea of trying to conceive taking a long time was 5 cycles. I upset her because I told her that she had no idea. I just don't understand how anyone can see cutting someone off to be a beneficial thing for a friendship. I know that it was a difficult situation for her, just as it was for me. I know that I am hyper sensitive to these type of things. At the time I was a week off my egg retrieval surgery for the IVF. This situation helps me to understand why many infertile people find the safety of friends on the internet, friends who are in a similar situation and have an incite into what it is like. It also helps me to understand why many people keep their fertility struggles a secret from family and friends.
I contacted them after two months of silence to find out what the problem was, to either fix it or to leave it. I didn't expect to be told the things that I was. It hurts because I believed these women to be close friends. Our children spent the first year of their lives playing together. I guess you can never truly know what someone is like.
Sophia and I have joined a couple of new play groups and are making new friends. I'm just sad that what I thought to be a close friendship has ended so dramatically.
It just goes to show you that some people will never be able to empathise with how others in a different situation might be feeling. Some people will never 'get it'. How could they? Her idea of trying to conceive taking a long time was 5 cycles. I upset her because I told her that she had no idea. I just don't understand how anyone can see cutting someone off to be a beneficial thing for a friendship. I know that it was a difficult situation for her, just as it was for me. I know that I am hyper sensitive to these type of things. At the time I was a week off my egg retrieval surgery for the IVF. This situation helps me to understand why many infertile people find the safety of friends on the internet, friends who are in a similar situation and have an incite into what it is like. It also helps me to understand why many people keep their fertility struggles a secret from family and friends.
I contacted them after two months of silence to find out what the problem was, to either fix it or to leave it. I didn't expect to be told the things that I was. It hurts because I believed these women to be close friends. Our children spent the first year of their lives playing together. I guess you can never truly know what someone is like.
Sophia and I have joined a couple of new play groups and are making new friends. I'm just sad that what I thought to be a close friendship has ended so dramatically.
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