one big, long, mamma of a post. Doctor update, etc.

Well, it's about time I updated about my appointment the other day.

I basically printed out a copy of my blog post to take (just edited it so it was easier to read) to remind me of everything I wanted to say to the gyn.

My psychologist had been in contact with him, with my permission of course to discuss some of what I wanted to talk about. He had the heads up. I think it made it easier.

He said that he NEVER thought I was making up my pain and that I definitely AM NOT a pain medication seeker. He said if he thought I was addicted to peth that he would have thrown me out of the hospital! He said "I've seen the inside of your belly.... I can see why you are in soooo much pain". He did say that he thought I'm not coping too well with my pain at the moment. NO SHIT!!! lol! He apologised profusely about having to put me in a maternity ward, he encouraged me to complain to the hospital. In this issue he agrees with me entirely, that gyn patients have more in common with a surgical patient and NOT a maternity patient. He also wrote on my file that from now on I am to be placed in the surgical ward and not maternity until i'm delivering a live baby. He said that the hospital can just 'wear that one'.

He is now doing egg pickup and embryo transferr with the IVF clinic so he is writing to my new IVF doc to ask if he can please be the one to do as many of the invasive procedures as possible. This way I don't have to worry about getting to trust another doctor, I can have the same one.
He also said that I can have a nurse or a friend or my husband at these appointments if that will help with the flash back anxieties.

As for the fear of loss, he explained (as I well know) that there isn't much he can do apart from ease my anxieties. He said once I am pregnant that he will do WEEKLY ultra sounds (until i'm out of the danger period) in his office and bulk bill me so that I don't have to pay just to keep my mental health that little bit better.

He also encouraged me to keep on seeing the psychologist, which I will be. He said that the fact that I am seeing a psychologist will be a good thing towards the IVF. (I was worried that I'd be turned down because I'm "Crazy"). The psychologist will write a letter to the IVF clinic about me backing him up. He said that I won't get turned down because i'm "crazy" or because I'm fat. This is a HUGE relif.

So yes, the appointment went well. Stupid me didn't even ask about how the surgery went!! haha!! He didn't want to look at my wounds, I told him they were almost healed and he was happy to leave it at that.

This was a pretty emotional day for me, I got to work early and sat in the car and cried for a good 10 mins. I went into work with a puffy face and had my boss ask if I was ok and sit down to chat with me. I told her that the surgery was fine, she thought I must be crying because I was happy/relieved.
I don't know, I don't think happy is the right word. I think I was crying because of everything that's happened in the past almost 3 months. I think people have forgotten that I've lost a baby. My precious baby, that should be almost 20 weeks along, we should be finding out the gender in the next few weeks. I should be starting to feel movement. I saw your heart beating, precious little one. I'm so so so so sorry that they had to cut you out. I didn't want them to cut you out. I wouldn't let them cut you out. They cut you out to save my life. I know that you wouldn't have lived to be born, I know that. It's just not fair. I just miss you. I love you.