The return to normal

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 23:35:00 +0000

OB doesn't know how or why, but the baby is still fine. He said that with everything i've had happening, he is surprised that I haven't m/c'd. but, everything looks perfect. healthy baby, healthy heart beat. find out the gender in a couple of weeks!

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Sun, 20 Dec 2009 11:49:00 +0000

i'm very, very sore at the moment. about to take some panadine & heat pack and go to bed. I'm having on and off pink bleeding/spotting today. I've spent most of the day in tears! This Christmas is the first without my Grandma & I'm really missing the baby I lost at the start of the year. I don't think I could handle loosing a 2nd one this year. I also miss Ben. It's been a couple of weeks since I've seen him. We have spoken though. I won't have him this Christmas either, it makes me sad. I don't know how you women with husbands that are away for lengthy amounts of time cope!

Thanks for thinking of me and my bean everyone.

WAY TMI

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Sat, 19 Dec 2009 03:25:00 +0000

I've been leaking clear fluid. Went to the GP, she said it's either a UTI or the start of that threatened miscarriage they have been talking about with all my bleeding. I've been put on antibiotics and they've taken a wee sample. If I have more pain, bleeding, leaking i've been told to go to the hospital or call an ambulance. I did have the same thing with S's pregnancy at 15 weeks, it was a UTI. I didn't bleed with that pregnancy though.

fuck this shit. I am beside myself. why the fuck can't it be easy for me for once? Sophia is sick with an ear infection, rash, head cold & UTI. I'm exhausted from looking after her, the poor thing is just so sick. I'm too tired & dizzy to move at the moment, good thing S is asleep. I hope Mum comes home soon.

fuck fuck fuck.

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 19:55:00 +0000

I'm still bleeding off and on again. It is driving me crazy. Doctor keeps reassuring me all is ok.
This is not very good for my stress & anxiety levels.

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 04:50:00 +0000

back from seeing the OB.

Baby is healthy, cervix is tight shut. No obvious signs of why I've been bleeding. He is positive this isn't anything sinister. I have got a low-lying placenta, but that may resolve itself with time. I had the exact same thing with Sophia. Low-lying placenta is VERY common with IVF pregnancies.

basically I have to keep doing what I am. avoid heavy lifting, pelvic rest, heat packs & panadol

he checked my cervix with the u/s so I didn't have to have an internal. he said he likes to avoid those, especially in people with my history. he also said that often internals can cause further bleeding.

One bad thing, Sophia wanged her head REALLY well in his office, she's got a huge bruise and egg on her head! Ouch!

4 week old babies and free gelati

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 03:46:00 +0000

Sophia and I visited a friend this morning. Her son is now 4 weeks old. I got to have cuddles. I was really good and didn't get teary or anything, he is a week older than the baby we lost at the start of the year should be. It was nice to be ok around a baby!

S & I then went out for my work Xmas lunch. Nice Italian place. She was SO well behaved, especially considering this place is not designed for kids & she was the only kid there. We shared a pizza. a BIG treat for both of us! Once we had finished, the owner came to me for a chat. He asked Sophia how old she was, expecting her to answer. I told him that she is 1 3/4 turning 2 at the end of Feb. He said that he didn't believe me (he was being funny) He said that surely a child who can sit so well at a restaurant etc. was nearly 3 not nearly 2!

He asked me if she could have an ice-cream, I said yes, he asks S if she wants an ice-cream, she said 'yes please'. And off she went holding hands with this massive man to the front of the store. I followed and there he was asking her what colours she would like. He gave her a rainbow gelati, green, red, white, orange in a cone. She came back to the table looking VERY happy with herself. She ate ALL of it. even the cone. it was hilarious! she was very happy with herself, the man was happy to have made her happy.

so yer, babies, pizza and free gelati add up for a good morning!

I get home to discover I've been bleeding again. I've just put through a call to the OB. *sigh*

Going Private:

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 01:40:00 +0000

Hi all,

I have decided to start a new private blog. I am still more than happy to have people who I know in real life and people who I have met over the internet read the blog. If you want to access the private blog email me at oimiloy@hotmail.com explaining where you know me from ie: the Mamas, pregnancy.org, facebook etc. I can then add you to the list of people who have permission to read the blog. Once made private, my updates will not appear in your dashboard reading list, you will need to remember to check in.

anyway, I will explain more at the new blog. I look forward to receiving your emails.

love and hugs
Em.

ETA:

King John's Christmas

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 23:54:00 +0000

KING JOHN'S CHRISTMAS
A. A. Milne

King John was not a good man -
He had his little ways.
And sometimes no one spoke to him
For days and days and days.
And men who came across him,
When walking in the town,
Gave him a supercilious stare,
Or passed with noses in the air -
And bad King John stood dumbly there,
Blushing beneath his crown.

King John was not a good man,
And no good friends had he.
He stayed in every afternoon ...
But no one came to tea.
And, round about December,
The cards upon his shelf
Which wished him lots of Christmas cheer,
And fortune in the coming year,
Were never from his near and dear,
But only from himself.

King John was not a good man,
Yet had his hopes and fears.
They'd given him no present now
For years and years and years.
But every year at Christmas,
While minstrels stood about,
Collecting tribute from the young
For all the songs they might have sung,
He stole away upstairs and hung
A hopeful stocking out.

King John was not a good man,
He lived his life aloof;
Alone he thought a message out
While climbing up the roof.
He wrote it down and propped it
Against the chimney stack:
"TO ALL AND SUNDRY - NEAR AND FAR -
F.CHRISTMAS IN PARTICULAR."
And signed it not "Johannes R."
But very humbly, "JACK."

"I want some crackers,
And I want some candy;
I think a box of chocolates
Would come in handy;
I don't mind oranges,
I do like nuts!
And I SHOULD like a pocket-knife
That really cuts.
And, oh! Father Christmas, if you love me at all,
Bring me a big, red india-rubber ball!"

King John was not a good man -
He wrote this message out,
And gat him to his room again,
Descending by the spout.
And all that night he lay there,
A prey to hopes and fears.
"I think that's him a-coming now,"
(Anxiety bedewed his brow.)
"He'll bring one present, anyhow -
The first I've had for years."

"Forget about the crackers,
And forget about the candy;
Im sure a box of chocolates
Would never come in handy;
I don't like oranges,
I don't want nuts,
And I HAVE got a pocket-knife
That almost cuts.
But, oh! Father Christmas, if you love me at all,
Bring me a big, red india-rubber ball!"

King John was not a good man -
Next morning when the sun
Rose up to tell a waiting world
That Christmas had begun,
And people seized their stockings,
And opened them with glee,
And crackers, toys and games appeared,
And lips with sticky sweets were smeared,
King John said grimly: "As I feared,
Nothing again for me!"

"I did want crackers,
And I did want candy;
I know a box of chocolates
Would come in handy;
I do love oranges,
I did want nuts.
I haven't got a pocket-knife -
Not one that cuts.
And, oh! if Father Christmas had loved me at all,
He would have brought a big, red india-rubber ball!"

King John stood by the window,
And frowned to see below
The happy bands of boys and girls
All playing in the snow.
A while he stood there watching,
And envying them all ...
When through the window big and red
There hurtled by his royal head,
And bounced and fell upon the bed,
An india-rubber ball!

AND OH, FATHER CHRISTMAS,
MY BLESSINGS ON YOU FALL
FOR BRINGING HIM
A BIG, RED,
INDIA-RUBBER
BALL!

slack blogger

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 09:56:00 +0000

I haven't really felt like blogging the past week, sorry about that.

I'm sure I'll have something interesting to write about soon.

hope everyone is well
xox

12 week scan today!

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:46:00 +0000

I had my 12 week ultrasound today. Baby looks perfect. He was swimming around all over the place and made it very difficult for the sonographer to take the readings that she needed to! His heart rate was a very fast 170 bpm, apparently that's normal, he was so active at the time. I got to see his face, brain, heart, legs, arms etc. He is already measuring ahead. I think that I'm in for another big baby!

I have been spotting on and off this past week which has been very scary. The ultrasound couldn't see what the cause of it is, but did show that everything is good. So that's a huge relief. I'm still under instruction to rest as much as possible (ha.ha.). More good news is that my ovaries are are shrinking! yay! They are now about 10cm each not the 20-25 that they were a few weeks ago. I will find out the results to the down syndrome etc. tests at my OB appointment on Thursday.

Sophia had to come with me and was wonderfully behaved. She was very interested in what was happening on the 'tv'.

Here's a photo of the little guy, (oh and NO we don't know the gender yet!) Sorry it is fuzzy, it is a photo of a photo. You can see his face on the right of the image. He is lying on his back with his legs poking up on the left of the image.

back from appt.

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 06:43:00 +0000

I'm back from my appointment. When I got there my OB took me through for an u/s strait away. Baby is alive and kicking! I burst into tears as soon as the wand thingy was put on my belly. Strait away I could see the fetus kicking and waving.

My OB couldn't see an obvious reason for the bleeding. I am going for my proper 12 week scan on Monday so that may give some more answers.

HUGE RELIEF!

going crazy. Updated 20/11 at bottom.

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 22:42:00 +0000

for the past few days I've been having pain & cramps that I would liken to early labor pains. I didn't call the doctor because it was controllable with heat packs and panadol. It also always went away.

Last night I discovered that I'd been spotting a bit. I just called my OB, he is out at another country town today operating all day. The lady on the phone didn't know when he would be able to get back to me. She suggested I call my GP so that I can get some care sooner. I just have, to discover that the clinic is closed today for a training day.

I am going to drive myself mental today worrying until I can hear back from my OB

UPDATE:
Just had a call back from my OB's rooms. He wants to see me tomorrow at 4pm. If things get worse between now and then I've been told to go to the ER.

2nd UPDATE:
I started spotting again last night, ended up at the ED. There wasn't much they could do. Still have to wait it out until my OB appt today at 4.

200 days

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 23:23:00 +0000

According to my little pregnancy gadget/ticker/counter thingy over there ------------------------------------------------------->
I have 200 days until my due date to go. It sounds like A LOT, but it will speed by. I'm feeling good so far today, I haven't had any cramps. I'm planning on going to buy some plastic crates, I need to go through S's room and clear out all her clothes that no-longer fit. That's a BIG job! Last time I did this I sat in her room and bawled. All of her little clothes brought back so many memories. It is so bitter-sweet watching her grow up.

Here's a rare pic of me and my girl from yesterday, Sophia was far more interested in the flowers than having her photo taken!

Screen friends

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 08:15:00 +0000

I think I have mentioned before my wonderful support network of "internet friends". Through my entire journey I have had the support and friendship of many many women who I have never met. The support that I have received from these women means so much to me and has helped me to get through a lot. One of my online friends shared this poem, I'd like to share it too.

Screen friends by Miasartiff

My husband has finally gone to work
My children have finished their play
they've gone to bed their stories read
Now it's my time of day.

I've had one of those days
you know what I mean
so I sit back and relax
and turn on my screen.

I'll talk to all my friends
who know just what to say
to make my stresses go
and my troubles fade away.

My friends you're always there for me
whenever I feel blue
and though we've never met before
I know our friendships true.

And although we haven't been friends for long
in this short time it seems
we shared so many things already
our hopes, our fears, our dreams.

We come from different walks of life
but we share a common bond
and it's time to say that of all of you
I've grown so very fond.

So thank you friends for being there
whenever I've needed you
I know you're always there for me
and you know I'm there for you.

this is why I have private insurance.

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 03:44:00 +0000

Today I had to go to put in some receipts at my private health insurance. The ladies there are great, we always have a good chat. Sophia is usually given a sticker which she thinks is awesome.

Today the lady asked if I was interested in how much my insurance has paid out this year. I said that I assumed it would be tens of thousands of dollars. She said that I was right. My health insurance has paid out just under fifty thousand dollars worth of medical & hospital bills this year alone. I think my jaw hit the ground. It certainly shows that the private insurance is worth it.

update from yesterday.

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:13:00 +0000

My OB finally called me back at 3.30 and asked me to come strait in. Quick scan, baby is good, ovaries still massive. Doesn't 'appear' to have burst any cysts. however he just did a quick scan. My pelvis has more fluid in it again. Seems that the OHSS may be getting worse.

anyway, He gives me some pain meds. I go to work, I barely make it home before I'm writhing in pain again. Ben calls the OB on his mobile. He says he's at the hospital and to come down to the ED. He gives me a quick check and sends me home. He said he will ring the next day to see how I am and check if he thinks I need a more detailed u/s.

I am stuffed, I feel like I haven't slept at all even though Ben assures me I was out of it all night. I am well and truly over the OHSS bull crap.

horrible night

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 21:45:00 +0000

I have spent most of the night writhing in pain. Nothing that I have here has come close to touching the pain. I didn't use a heat pack because it was freaking hot overnight. I couldn't handle the heat on my skin.

I will be calling my doctors rooms in the next 15 mins when they open. This is the worst it's been for some time. I've also had shoulder-tip pain. Ben suggested that one of my ovarian cysts may have popped. He could be right.

retail therapy!

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:20:00 +0000

It's been a long time since I bought myself anything nice! I decided that I needed some more summer clothes. Today S & I went shopping, I bought 2 dresses and a pair of shorts! yay! all for $120. For fat lady clothes that's really cheap! The shorts were only $20! Now I have some other clothes apart from pants to wear to work. It's been forecasted to be hot hot hot here this week, it will be nice not to swelter.

babies and due dates

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 22:11:00 +0000

One of my pregnant friends has had her baby! Hugest congrats to her and her family!

It is a time full of conflicting emotions for me. I am over the moon for her! It does however remind me that I would be having a baby next week. I got her news and congratulated her, then had a big cry. Ben asked me what was wrong. I explained it to him and he just accepted why I was upset. I thought he might have a go at me but he didn't. He said, "I know that you are still grieving our lost baby and that this month will be harder for you, this news has just hit close to home and that doesn't mean you aren't happy for your friend." I think that my jaw hit the ground. I totally didn't expect him to understand. He's usually not very aware when it comes to emotions. He then went on to say "It's one of the screwed up things about being a woman, too many confusing, conflicting emotions" which made me laugh out loud! I replied by quoting that line out of Harry Potter where Hermione tells Ron that unlike him, she doesn't have the emotional range of a teaspoon. That made him laugh. He gave me a big hug and we got on with our night.

So yes, I didn't crash as hard as I thought I would. I do think that if the IVF hadn't worked and I wasn't pregnant this month would be A LOT harder.

yuck

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 11:01:00 +0000

yuck, yuck, yuck. Yuck is a good word to describe how I'm feeling.

It's hot, I'm bloated, my ovaries feel like they have exploded, no food or drink is agreeing with me. I'm aching all over and can't get comfortable. This is how I remember feeling when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. I'm only 10 weeks. My OB last week assured me that the cramps and general soreness would ease up eventually as my ovaries shrink. I'm just having a hard time of it tonight.

I haven't had any pain relief for a few days, I think I'll have some in a min and go to bed. I just feel yuck.

10 weeks!

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:35:00 +0000

I'm 10 weeks today! Only another 30 to go!

another u/s! 4th week in a row!

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 02:58:00 +0000

I had another OB appt. today. I managed to get Sophia into the occasional child care center here for a few hours so that she didn't have to come with me. She is usually well behaved at the doctors, it is just impossible to supervise her properly when you are lying on a table being poked and prodded and having an u/s! Sophia has never really spent time in child care. She has been to this place a couple of times, but it was months ago. There were tears when I got back into the car! I don't think it will ever get easier to leave her. She was fine, far too interested in the toys and playing with the other children to even say goodbye to me! She's a really social little girl, so she loves the time she spends there.

As for the OB appt, it was quick. My OB had to go to his grandfather's funeral shortly after my appointment. He said that he should have been leaving earlier but wanted to see me which I really appreciate. He said that his Grandfather was 95 and had had a great innings!

He very quickly did my blood pressure etc. which was all perfect. Then we went through for the u/s. My little bean was there, heart beating away and dancing. It's amazing to think that an almost 10 week fetus can move like that. My ovaries are still on the freaky side of things. Good news is that they haven't grown since last Monday! YAY!!! They haven't gone down, but they haven't grown!

I now have to go for my 10 week blood tests and am booked in for my 12 week u/s at the imaging place. My OB is happy to see me in 3 weeks time unless I have issues before hand. He said to call strait away if my pain gets worse or if I feel unwell. Those freaky ovaries are still a worry and could turn into a life-threatening situation VERY quickly. He reiterated that he is always just a phone call away any time of the day or night.

The appointment finished quicker than I had planned, Sophia's child care was paid up for another couple of hours. I decided to go have a browse of the shops and had a hot chocolate before I went to pick up Sophia. She had had a great time and fell asleep in the car on the way home and is still asleep (in her cot) now!

One of the lucky ones.

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 03:17:00 +0000

You know, if the ectopic earlier this year had been a viable pregnancy, I would be having a baby in a few weeks. It is a very bitter-sweet thing to think about. If it had been viable, I wouldn't be pregnant with my 2nd IVF baby. I wouldn't have gone through the torture of having a 2nd ectopic and loss of my remaining tube, I wouldn't have gone through all the IVF rubbish, I wouldn't have spent countless weeks dangerously ill with OHSS. I wouldn't have lost friends. I would be meeting some other baby, not the one that I currently carry. I will always miss the baby that never got the chance to grow. I will never know what you would have looked like, I will never get to hold you.

I now think about the first ectopic differently, If it hadn't have happened, I wouldn't have Sophia. I can't even imagine that. There would be some other nameless, faceless child in my life, but not my Sophia. I try to think about the 2nd ectopic in the same way. It is hard because I am still grieving the baby that I will never hold. I will never know that baby, instead, I have the chance to carry a different baby. I'm sure that after my 2nd IVF baby is born I will think back to the 2nd ectopic the way I think of the first.

I am so very lucky to have this chance to carry another IVF pregnancy. Another baby that I will watch grow from a few cells. So many couples don't get that chance. I can't even begin to imagine the pain they must endure every single day. I am one of the lucky ones.

To my nameless, faceless babies. I will always miss you and often think of you. I would not be where I am today without having been pregnant with you, even for a few short weeks.

To my baby who should be being born this month, I will always love you even though I will never meet you.

Mummy.

ending friendships.

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 22:15:00 +0000

I have had a couple of friends cut me off basically because of my infertility issues. It was easier for them to ignore me than to put in some effort. When the ignoring started, she was pregnant and I was not. She has told me that it was just easier for her and cutting me off would cause far less problems between us. She didn't want to walk on eggshells her entire pregnancy. I never suggested that she need to. She then proceeded to call ME selfish. She saw me posting this article as an attack on her, she will likely see this blog post as an attack too. Cutting me off for a few months was the right thing to do (in her words), as to not cause any more trouble between us.

It just goes to show you that some people will never be able to empathise with how others in a different situation might be feeling. Some people will never 'get it'. How could they? Her idea of trying to conceive taking a long time was 5 cycles. I upset her because I told her that she had no idea. I just don't understand how anyone can see cutting someone off to be a beneficial thing for a friendship. I know that it was a difficult situation for her, just as it was for me. I know that I am hyper sensitive to these type of things. At the time I was a week off my egg retrieval surgery for the IVF. This situation helps me to understand why many infertile people find the safety of friends on the internet, friends who are in a similar situation and have an incite into what it is like. It also helps me to understand why many people keep their fertility struggles a secret from family and friends.

I contacted them after two months of silence to find out what the problem was, to either fix it or to leave it. I didn't expect to be told the things that I was. It hurts because I believed these women to be close friends. Our children spent the first year of their lives playing together. I guess you can never truly know what someone is like.

Sophia and I have joined a couple of new play groups and are making new friends. I'm just sad that what I thought to be a close friendship has ended so dramatically.

oimiloy@hotmail.com (Em) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 10:19:00 +0000

My morning sickness is back to being evening sickness again. It's no where near as bad as it was the other day. This is a relief!

hmmm, I really haven't got much to say today. How boring!

I get to see my bean again on Wednesday! yay!